Becoming Me

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~E.E. Cummings

I am 34 years old and I have never been fully honest with who I am. The truth of the matter is, I do not trust other with my true self. My family never fully knew me. My ex-husband never fully knew me. I would maybe 2 people in this world fully know who I am. My keep myself tightly wrapped inside me and I peek and explore it in the break of dawn and throughout the silent moment of the day. I learned to be my own PR agent since I was 12 years old.

The world will make fun of anyone when they are fully exposed. To fully expose myself, in my opinion, would be emotional suicide. It's like a turtle without its shell or a porcupine without their quills. My faux persona used to keeps my sanity in tack until recently. I had a total breakdown. Until the reality hit that my life is about to change in a few months. The need to exposed and release my true self is approaching.

After leaving my soon to be ex-husband (that will be in another blog post), I met someone that I felt I could finally let loose and be myself for. The truth is I did confide in him but never fully. I was able to confide enough in him to see my own personal issues. I was able to talk to him in ways that I didn't think was possible unless I was laying down on a couch in a therapist. Though, my idea of love was pure emotional freedom. Unfortunately, love was not there. Well not the love that I wanted. A harsh lesson that I had to learn. Sometimes love comes in different forms and ways. I wanted that fake romantic love and that was something that I could not and still can not handle. The wonderful thing about this is that something beautiful came from it, a baby boy.  That I am internally grateful to him for that. We are planning to co parent and remain friends. The romantic aspect of the relationship is dead. Though I was sad about my planned fantasy world imploding. Actually acting like a kid about the whole damn thing. The realization that this romantic relationship had to come to pass. Which strangely is a weight lifted off of me. After having a intense but freeing discussion about it, I literally woke up lighter and happier. I was never fully me in this or any relationship I was in. I hide myself to be what every man wanted me to be. It was killing me inside.

I am also happy that he is making a move that should have been made a long time ago.  I am finally making a leap to be on my own and discover or rediscover myself again. Thank you, young wise man. You changed my life. I don't think I would have had the courage to grow up. I am finally bursting out of my bubble, and see the world for what it really is. Finally, I am letting the world see me. In order for me to be the best me for my new future that lays ahead, I need to find and be myself. So, like E.E. Cummings said, "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." For the first time in 34 years, I am finding the voice, that I lost so many decades ago.

This whole thing kinda reminds me of the Wizard of OZ. I didn't know I had the power to great things until I was told so. I just He was my glinda the good witch. Huh, not sure how he will feel about that..lol. It was time for me to click my heels and find my own home. That is now my next move. Find a home for me and my baby boy.  Making sure my son, Noah Phoenix is a happy, creative, confident and loved. My baby is my first priority. Finding my own tribe and my own place in this world is my second priority. Showing my talents, quirks, weirdness, and “magical” wonders is my third priority. I am finally happy and excited about what is to come for me and my buddle of joy.

Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.

-N. R. Narayana Murthy