This is not a goodbye, my darling, this is a thank you.” Nicholas Sparks
It is funny how relationships and change especially when you pray on it to end. I realize that I completely lose myself when I am in a relationship. Each time I was in a relationship, I felt a bit of myself die. As if someone was suffocating me and each breath that left my body, a bit of me died. I was married and went 12 years not being able to breathe. I got into another relationship and almost went over a year without breathing until I realized that this has to end. Not just for me but for my now best friend, and the life that was growing inside me. Now both of these relationships, I had beautiful moments and memories. Those moments were also wedged between me suffering for air. Though I thought that both of these relationships would be a forever thing. The truth is deep inside, I knew instinctively I knew that eventually they would crash and burn. My marriage ended in bitterness and anger. My second relationship ended in a great friendship, which I am grateful for. Because of that, I had my baby, Noah, and my breath came back to me. Every time I see him smile, my heart heals. Every time he giggles, my creativity comes back. Noah has helped me breathe again when he took his first breath. Everytime he breathes, I can breathe and it feels like my life is coming back to me. So because of Noah, I am able to finally open myself to breathing with someone rather than killing my self for someone to say that I am with someone. My son is constantly giving me the motivation to pursue my own instead of diving head first into someone else's dream. Now I will assist but I can no longer allow myself to erase myself for other's dreams or desires to be a reality. When I had Noah, the realization that if I am not happy he will not be happy hit me like a ton of bricks.
Moving on and focusing on both of our happiness is my new mission. Setting up and sticking to a budget to get my financial and physical health back on track is my second mission. I can not afford to not be able to breathe again. If I ever choose to get into another relationship, it must be understood that if you do not fit into my life and not the other way around. I have morphed myself to fit and adjust to so many people's lives, included my Nuclear Family that I no longer talk to, that I lost my own voice. I just got back to being myself and not second guessing my choices. I just got back to being blunt and stop sugar coating to shelter others feelings and enabling my own. Moving on is a great thing that I have done for myself. My son Noah, is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is one of the few reasons why I do not regret anything from my past because with all of those things I won't have him. Without Noah, I would not have my breath.
The name Noah means to give rest, repose. My son has done just that. He has given me rest from things that were not for me in the first place and allowing me to full heartedly to move on.
Song Suggestion- KATIE - Better OFF