Hello, all my divas and gurus! I just wanted to say thank you for being super patient with me regarding Heavy on Fashion and Milan Malan Word on the Street. The past few years, I haven't been constant with my writing, goals, or my obligations. Truth is, I haven't been in a good space for quite some time. Though everything came to light in October 2017 with my soon-to-be ex-husband affairs being revealed. My mental and physical health has been fluctuating at an unhealthy rate for almost four years. I turned off my instincts and turned on my ego in 2014, Instinctively, I knew that my soon-to-be ex-husband was a manipulative narcissistic liar. My ego would not allow me to face the facts that I got played. It has made me doubt myself at every turn. I doubt things that instinctively I should never second guess.
So today, my weekly wisdom is about some cold hard facts I needed to face, address, and even embrace about me.
Cold Fact #1 - I am too damn passive.
I think this started when I was in grade school. A male classmate said something disgusting and lewd about me in grade school. I went through the proper channels and little to no action was taken against the little shit. I think the inactiveness of the school and me keeping this from my family for so many years is insane. Instead, I acted liked nothing had happened and let it slowly eat me up inside. I learned to be passive at the age of 8. It continued and got worst. When I was 17, I was physically assaulted by a guy in the neighborhood and mauled by his pitbull dog. From that assault, I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I felt that everything was my fault. I second guessed everything that I did. Today, I still do. I let family, former friends, associated, and strangers get away with actions that my prior self would not, just allow to avoid conflict. To avoid an anxiety attack or a flashback. I neglected my own feelings and buried them in food. My feeling would become soda, candy, cookies, and all types of trash ass foods. My passiveness was slowly killing me.
So, I have to be more assertive. Some may say...Malan wtf are you talking about, your assertive. Well, this is true. In few areas, I am assertive, in many other ways, I lie down and just take it. I have seen what happens to people who stay passive. Either they snap and fuck shit up or they get sick and die a painful regretful death. They never achieve their own goals because they are too busy focusing on others. At the end of the day, I only have one life to live. Why should I pass on my life for someone else's comfort? This has to stop. In order for me to be truly happy in my space and in my skin, I have to let go of this passive behavior. I also have to let go of individuals who use my former state to their advantage. I understand that this is going to be a journey but it is a journey I need to take in order to be the best me. I realize that by me being passive, I am letting my dreams and desires pass me by. It is time for me to use my Taurus stubbornness for my own benefit.
Cold Fact #2 - Worrying and Anxiety killed my memory
If you know me in everyday real life, you know that my memory is shot to hell. It is horrible. I never had an excellent memory before but now I can't remember shit unless it is written down. This is awful. Since I was a grade school, I worried. I never really talked about it but I worried about everything. Everything from how I looked, what everyone else thinks about me, money, shit that hasn't happened. When you have 15 million possibilities on how everything can go wrong, you never think about how it is going right. Each worry is like a bullet and the target is my memory. My worrying and anxiety lead to my passive behavior with circles back to the worrying and anxiety.
So, I am working on not worrying about things I can not control. That includes other people actions and behaviors. I am making it a daily practice to pray, meditate, and focus on solutions. So, there are a few things that are helping me right now.
1.) Reading books - Books have always been my escape, so when life gets too hectic. I am turning to my stack of books.
2.) The Serenity Prayer - Learned the shorten version, in therapy. The Serenity Prayer has helped me when I am having a small anxiety attack or just freaking out.
- Here it is -
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
the courage to change the things we can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
3.) Buddha's basic and most important lesson on Impermanence. I first learned about Impermanence in college in a religion course. Impermanence means that nothing last forever whether good or bad. Life is impermanence and all things that encompass life is impermanence. Worry is impermanence. I am finally learning after 34 years of life, that all the things that I worry about are impermanent. I still worry. Shit, I am human and change takes time. I am using the mantra, Life is impermanence and it is slowly getting me through some changes. Check out this great article on Impermanence at https://blog.sivanaspirit.com/buddha-basics-impermanence/ -it is amazing
4.) Saying my peace, setting my boundaries, and moving on. Holding in my frustration with others is not helping me or them. It's not helping me to get their negative residue off of me. It is not helping that person(s) to get their shit together. So, I am no longer holding back. I am saying how I feel. I am going to be as precise. After that, I am setting my boundaries and moving on. Those who wish to change and understand and obey my boundaries are free to be around me. If not bye bye.
Cold Hard #Fact 3- I need to start doing but just one thing at a time
I was literally born late. Like 3 weeks late according to my mom. My need to procrastinate may originate from that. Not an excuse, just a fact. Procrastination one of my hardest bosses to conquer in this game called life. I feel that I have so much to do and so little time to do it. I pack all life goals on a list and get disappointed when I don't accomplish all of them. Life and people are exhausting. Both take a lot of energy and time. By focusing on one goal a day and using my time to myself wisely, I am finding that I am getting more done. Like today, I have 3 task to do. I am doing on maybe two today and that is it. If I can get to all three..great! If just one, that is my goal anyway. A great quote from Josh Billings is becoming my daily mantra - Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.
Cold Hard Fact #4 - I ignored my instincts and forgot myself
When it came to making a big decision, I would listen to everyone but myself. I forget to listen to my own voice. Every decision that I made when I listen to others ended up being a huge mistake. Each time I ignored my inner voice, regret and pain developed. I have decided that I have to be more stubborn, set more boundaries, and follow my inner voice. My Taurus nature is going to make a serious appearance for now on. For the first time in my life, my instincts come first. This does not mean I will not follow sound advice. It does mean that I am looking at actions of that person giving the advice. I am giving less merit to words. If your actions don't match your words, I'm not listening. My instincts come first. I ignored that little voice for too long. My instincts are one of my superpowers. I am going to start using them. One of my favorite quote about instincts is:
Follow your instincts. That's where true wisdom manifests itself. - Oprah Winfrey
Cold Hard Fact #5 - I am a magician and an artist. I can create and manifest some cool shit.
Another superpower that I have manifested some cool shit in my life. My blog is one of the things that I dreamed up, worked on and built from a place of nothing to something cool. Every time I think positive about what I create, it brings magical results. So motto this year and future years to come is to be the magician. Create beautiful and truthful shit that will make me happy and fulfilled.
Ok, Yall that is all I got. This is my weekly wisdom is really a life lesson that I am happy to be learning now. Facing the cold hard facts are what life is about. What you do about it is what defines you.
What cold hard facts are you facing about yourself?