Becoming Me

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~E.E. Cummings

I am 34 years old and I have never been fully honest with who I am. The truth of the matter is, I do not trust other with my true self. My family never fully knew me. My ex-husband never fully knew me. I would maybe 2 people in this world fully know who I am. My keep myself tightly wrapped inside me and I peek and explore it in the break of dawn and throughout the silent moment of the day. I learned to be my own PR agent since I was 12 years old.

The world will make fun of anyone when they are fully exposed. To fully expose myself, in my opinion, would be emotional suicide. It's like a turtle without its shell or a porcupine without their quills. My faux persona used to keeps my sanity in tack until recently. I had a total breakdown. Until the reality hit that my life is about to change in a few months. The need to exposed and release my true self is approaching.

After leaving my soon to be ex-husband (that will be in another blog post), I met someone that I felt I could finally let loose and be myself for. The truth is I did confide in him but never fully. I was able to confide enough in him to see my own personal issues. I was able to talk to him in ways that I didn't think was possible unless I was laying down on a couch in a therapist. Though, my idea of love was pure emotional freedom. Unfortunately, love was not there. Well not the love that I wanted. A harsh lesson that I had to learn. Sometimes love comes in different forms and ways. I wanted that fake romantic love and that was something that I could not and still can not handle. The wonderful thing about this is that something beautiful came from it, a baby boy.  That I am internally grateful to him for that. We are planning to co parent and remain friends. The romantic aspect of the relationship is dead. Though I was sad about my planned fantasy world imploding. Actually acting like a kid about the whole damn thing. The realization that this romantic relationship had to come to pass. Which strangely is a weight lifted off of me. After having a intense but freeing discussion about it, I literally woke up lighter and happier. I was never fully me in this or any relationship I was in. I hide myself to be what every man wanted me to be. It was killing me inside.

I am also happy that he is making a move that should have been made a long time ago.  I am finally making a leap to be on my own and discover or rediscover myself again. Thank you, young wise man. You changed my life. I don't think I would have had the courage to grow up. I am finally bursting out of my bubble, and see the world for what it really is. Finally, I am letting the world see me. In order for me to be the best me for my new future that lays ahead, I need to find and be myself. So, like E.E. Cummings said, "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." For the first time in 34 years, I am finding the voice, that I lost so many decades ago.

This whole thing kinda reminds me of the Wizard of OZ. I didn't know I had the power to great things until I was told so. I just He was my glinda the good witch. Huh, not sure how he will feel about that..lol. It was time for me to click my heels and find my own home. That is now my next move. Find a home for me and my baby boy.  Making sure my son, Noah Phoenix is a happy, creative, confident and loved. My baby is my first priority. Finding my own tribe and my own place in this world is my second priority. Showing my talents, quirks, weirdness, and “magical” wonders is my third priority. I am finally happy and excited about what is to come for me and my buddle of joy.

Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.

-N. R. Narayana Murthy

Help Support Heavy on Fashion with a cup of Ko-fi?

Hello, all my divas and gurus! I am currently starting back with Heavy on Fashion. To be honest, I need some help Heavy on Fashion projects running including the Heavy on Fashion Podcast, The Heavy on Fashion Youtube page, and a few other art/comic projects that I am happy to collaborate on. So, if you would like to be a part of the new and improve Heavy on Fashion, just buy me some Kofi.

Kofi is a tip jar for many creatives out there. I have set up a Kofi account to finally get all the projects that were taking space in my head out to all of you. Today, I've set a new goal ($1000) to get some podcasting equipment, keeping the domain/site alive, and to start a graphic tee shirt line.

I will talk about my future projects on a live sessionmore on my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/HeavyonFashion/ on Friday Morning - October 19th and on Instastories on Saturday October 20th.

Weekly Widsom- Cold Hard #Facts

Hello, all my divas and gurus! I just wanted to say thank you for being super patient with me regarding Heavy on Fashion and Milan Malan Word on the Street. The past few years, I haven't been constant with my writing, goals, or my obligations.  Truth is, I haven't been in a good space for quite some time. Though everything came to light in October 2017 with my soon-to-be ex-husband affairs being revealed. My mental and physical health has been fluctuating at an unhealthy rate for almost four years. I turned off my instincts and turned on my ego in 2014,  Instinctively, I knew that my soon-to-be ex-husband was a manipulative narcissistic liar. My ego would not allow me to face the facts that I got played. It has made me doubt myself at every turn. I doubt things that instinctively I should never second guess. 

 So today, my weekly wisdom is about some cold hard facts I needed to face, address, and even embrace about me.

Read More

Heavy on Fashion Real Talk: Changes .. again?? Girl, I Know but I have issues!

Hello, all my fashion divas and gurus! I am so sorry it has been a while. To be honest, I am going through many changes in my life both professionally and personally. Personally, I am currently going through a divorce. Divorce is not easy...

Read More

Heavy On Fashion Talks to Sylvia Russell of PUCKER'D Cosmetics

Hello, all my fashion divas and gurus! I am happy to introduce to C.E.O Sylvia Russell of PUCKER'D Cosmetic. Sylvia Russell has been working in entertainment and with celebrities for over 25 years. She was the key makeup artist for the Tampa Bay cheerleaders and worked on various celebrities, ranging from Hulk Hogan and family to foodie Adam Richman and HSN show hosts. Russell has been a beauty and lifestyle expert host for 10 years in Tampa at WFLA, Channel 8 @ The Daytime Show and Channel 10 @studio10. She has also worked for NBC Dateline, TLC Network, The Travel Channel and has been an educator in the classroom for top beauty companies, as well as owned and managed salon startups. Russell founded the business in August 2017 in St. Petersburg Florida and is a proud mother of 3.

Read More

Heavy on Fashion Talks Monique Woodland, Creator of Club Rapunzel

 

Hello, all my fashion divas and gurus! I am so excited finally to bring you an interview with the Creator of Club Rapunzel, Monique Woodland. In this interview, Monique talks about how she started her business, the beauty and hair industry, and how her personal hair journey started it all. 

Read More

Heavy on Fashion reviews Doctor's Plotka's Mouthwatchers Toothbrush*

Hello, all my fashion divas and gurus! I am so happy to bring you my thoughts on Doctor Plotka's Mouthwatchers Toothbrush. Doctor Plotka is a renowned dentist and pioneered many dental techniques in the industry. Doctor's Mouthwatchers Toothbrush is different from your average toothbrush. 

Read More

HeavyonFashion Talks to Dionne Ellison of Vuliwear

Hello, all my fashion divas and gurus! I am back with a fabulous interview. Today,  I had the chance to talk to the creator of Vuliwear, Dionne Ellison. Vuliwear comes from the word “Vuli” means autumn, shade in Swahili.  I was capitated by the style yet simplicity of these gorgeous shades. I mean we all know the designer line but I feel that we all need a breath of fresh air in the eyewear world and Vuliwear is bringing it. 

So, with further ado, here is HeavyonFashion Talk to Dionne Ellison of Vuliwear

Read More

New Stuff coming to Heavy on Fashion!! Excited!!!

Hello, all my divas and gurus! I am excited about the new changes and content coming to Heavy on Fashion! I am hearing up for two podcasts series, the reopening of the Heavy on Fashion eBay store, the opening of a new eBay store (details coming soon), a live weekly reviews of my favorite products and hauls on Heavy on Fashion Facebook page, and finally the reboot of my first blog Milan Malan Word on the Street!!! 2018 is going be the year of productivity, creativity, and entrepreneurship!! So much happening for 2018.

If you would like to be apart of the Heavy on Fashion experience, feel free to contact me. Thanks!!