It is funny how relationships and change especially when you pray on it to end. I realize that I completely lose myself when I am in a relationship. Each time I was in a relationship, I felt like I could not breathe. As if someone was suffocating me and each breath that left my body, a bit of me died. I was married for 12 years. I thought it was a good relationship until I found out that my husband of years, was cheating on me with several women. I was so wrapped up in the illusion of the marriage, that I didn’t realize that I was the only one in this fantasy world. Then I found out the real person I was married too and I had to leave. With my marriage, I had beautiful moments and memories. He was two people. The person that I fell for was wonderful. The other side of him was a liar and a cheater. A person that I could not recognize. My marriage ended in bitterness, confusion, and anger.
During my separation, I got into another relationship. A relationship with someone I knew from college. A rebound relationship. It started off good and ended with a bad con man and me in a horrid financial situation. It was a gaslit toxic relationship. He was manipulative in every way. It took the birth of my son for me to really see the light. This individual will never be what I thought he could be. He did have the ability to be a stable, reliable, honest, and loving individual but not to me. He had toxic and violent outbursts that scared me. I ignored all the signs until one day it turned violent. I had to leave not just for me but for the life that I brought into this world. The rebound relationship, it started fun and grew more and more toxic every day. The individual gaslit me at every opportunity and used my emotional state of losing my dad and being pregnant to his advantage. The rebound relationship ended in sever debt, gaslighting, violence, and more anger.
These cluster fuckery of so-called relationships has taught me all about myself, who I am, and who I allowed in my space. Because of these individuals, I learned that I have to be my own soul mate. My own divine partner. Fairy tales are not real. Romantic encounters are fantasy. True love only comes from within.
Now that 2020 is here, the first item that I am working on is getting my finances back in order. The second thing is getting a place to live, my license, and a car. The third is to work more on my podcast, my blog, and my writing. I am finally focusing on my gifts and art. I am also focusing on drawing and designing clothing again. I also dreamed of having a brand that had all kinds of art. I am finally at the age of 35, being myself. I realized that my own security, stability, and mental health will lead to abundance, happiness, and wealth. No individual can bring that.
So because of Noah, I can finally open myself to breathing with someone rather than killing my self for someone. My son is constantly giving me the motivation to pursue my own instead of diving headfirst into someone else’s dream. Now I will assist but I can no longer allow myself to erase myself for other’s dreams or desires to be a reality. Every time I see him smile, my heart heals. Every time he giggles, my creativity comes back. Noah is giving me to breathe. He is one of the few reasons why I do not regret anything from my past. Noah has given me my future.