Skip to main content

The Whole Truth of the past 3 years!

It is funny how relationships and change especially when you pray on it to end. I realize that I completely lose myself when I am in a relationship. Each time I was in a relationship, I felt like I could not breathe. As if someone was suffocating me and each breath that left my body, a bit of me died. I was married for 12 years. I thought it was a good relationship until I found out that my husband of years, was cheating on me with several women. I was so wrapped up in the illusion of the marriage, that I didn’t realize that I was the only one in this fantasy world. Then I found out the real person I was married too and I had to leave. With my marriage, I had beautiful moments and memories. He was two people. The person that I fell for was wonderful. The other side of him was a liar and a cheater. A person that I could not recognize. My marriage ended in bitterness, confusion, and anger.

 During my separation, I got into another relationship. A relationship with someone I knew from college. A rebound relationship. It started off good and ended with a bad con man and me in a horrid financial situation. It was a gaslit toxic relationship. He was manipulative in every way. It took the birth of my son for me to really see the light. This individual will never be what I thought he could be. He did have the ability to be a stable, reliable, honest, and loving individual but not to me.  He had toxic and violent outbursts that scared me. I ignored all the signs until one day it turned violent. I had to leave not just for me but for the life that I brought into this world.  The rebound relationship, it started fun and grew more and more toxic every day. The individual gaslit me at every opportunity and used my emotional state of losing my dad and being pregnant to his advantage. The rebound relationship ended in sever debt, gaslighting, violence, and more anger.

These cluster fuckery of so-called relationships has taught me all about myself, who I am, and who I allowed in my space. Because of these individuals, I learned that I have to be my own soul mate. My own divine partner. Fairy tales are not real. Romantic encounters are fantasy. True love only comes from within.

Now that 2020 is here,  the first item that I am working on is getting my finances back in order. The second thing is getting a place to live, my license, and a car. The third is to work more on my podcast, my blog, and my writing. I am finally focusing on my gifts and art. I am also focusing on drawing and designing clothing again. I also dreamed of having a brand that had all kinds of art. I am finally at the age of 35, being myself. I realized that my own security, stability, and mental health will lead to abundance, happiness, and wealth. No individual can bring that.

 So because of Noah, I can finally open myself to breathing with someone rather than killing my self for someone. My son is constantly giving me the motivation to pursue my own instead of diving headfirst into someone else’s dream. Now I will assist but I can no longer allow myself to erase myself for other’s dreams or desires to be a reality. Every time I see him smile, my heart heals. Every time he giggles, my creativity comes back. Noah is giving me to breathe. He is one of the few reasons why I do not regret anything from my past. Noah has given me my future.


Popular posts from this blog

Heavy on Fashion at Shecky's Girl Nights out in NYC - Fall 2011

Hey guys! As you all know, I had a chance to cover Shecky's Girls Night Out in New York City.  I am a fan of Shecky's  event but this time around I found some great fashion, a celebrity sighting, and of course some great cocktails. Here is Heavy on Fashion at Shecky's in NYC!   All photos are property of Malan Heydecke of Heavy on Fashion Vh1's Tough Love Miami @ Shecky's Host and matchmaker Steve Ward along with fellow match maker and founder of Master Matchmaker Joann Ward (also Steve's Mom!) was at Shecky's giving out some great dating advice to all the ladies in New York!  All photos are property of Malan Heydecke of Heavy on Fashion All photos are property of Malan Heydecke of Heavy on Fashion All photos are property of Malan Heydecke of Heavy on Fashion Don't you just love this dress. Fabulous!  All photos are property of Malan Heydecke of Heavy on Fashion Here is a look at the crowd for Steve and

Heavy on Fashion at the Panel Discussion in NYC

Hello all my Heavy On Fashion Readers, I am happy that I got the chance to attend the  How I’m Making It: What It Takes To Succeed In Fashion panel discussion on Monday, May 9th at the NYU Cantor Film Center. The panel was full of professionals in the Fashion Industry. Here is quick bio of the speakers at the panel Skye Parrott is the Photographer and Creative Director of  Dossier  Magazine. Katherine Krause is the Editor of  Dossier  Magazine. Gayle Dizon is a founder of Dizon Inc. Dizon is an acclaimed production company for some of the best fashion brands in the industry. Dizon Inc, is known for their fabulous fashion shows productions.   Cindy Krupp is the founder of the Krupp Group. Krupp Group is a public relations agency that works with tons of fashion designers including Chris Benz and tons of companies. Chris Benz is a well known American Fashion designer and columnist for Gayle Dizon,  Cindy Krupp, and Chris Benz give seriously

Heavy on Fashion Goes to The Alex Soldier Showroom

Hey everyone! I had a great opportunity to visit the The Alex Soldier Showroom in New York City. I became familiar with Alex Soldier at a private showcase in New York City. When I received a email from Maria Soldier, Executive Director of the Alex Soldier Showroom, to come and check out the Alex Soldier collection in New York City. I was honored. Alex Soldier has a vast collection of jewelry and artwork that is exceptional in craftsmanship and quality. From unique luxury jewelry with exotic diamonds and precious stone designed for the rich and famous to awards for Royalty. Alex is a creator and a example of true artistry in the world of luxury. All photos are property of Malan Heydecke of Heavy on Fashion Here is one of my favorite piece from Alex's collection. This starfish ring is full of precious stones including diamonds. The best thing some of Alex Soldiers' pieces is that are interchangeable.  Each piece has a custom key for each interchangeable piece.  T